by Roxane Hudon
YO LADIEZZZZ, so it’s the third week that women are using my now INFAMOUS (sure, why not) Peter Pan quote to go on some kind of rampage against poor, little Montreal men in the Rant Line section of the Montreal Mirror. I feel like since my quote seems to have instigated this woman-rage, I should respond to these rants, reach out to my MTL LADIEZ and defend my MTL Peter Pans. 514-ONE-LOVE.
Let’s put everything in context now…in my Noisemaker article about Mr. Sach Baylin-Stern , I introduced him by writing this: “In this city of Peter Pans, where 40-year-olds often behave like they’re 14, it’s rare to meet a native Montrealer who’s reluctant to admit how young he is.”
Of course, I wasn’t only referring to men, but to women too…it was a GENDER-NEUTRAL reference. I’m in a café right now, it’s 1:30 p.m. on a Thursday, it’s full, some dude is singing “It’s Now or Never” and everyone looks too old to be a student.
Anyway, we’ll get back to that later. Here, my friendz, is what that quote provoked.
Jan 12 Rant Line
F Hi Rant Line™. I was just reading in the Mirror the quote that says, “In this city of PETER PANS, where 40-year-olds often behave like they’re 14” and I can’t agree more. A couple of my girlfriends and I just went down to New York and we were just saying that while New York has REAL MEN, Montreal has boys. So, to all Montreal boys, step your fucking life-game up, get your shit together. There’s nothing wrong with being a fucking real man. Peace. [BLEEP!]
Jan 19 Rant Line
M Yes, hi, to the girl who mentioned men from Montreal being BOYS. I’ve heard this before. Can you give us a brief but detailed description of what makes New York men REAL MEN and what makes Montreal guys boys? Give us an example. Thank you.[BLEEP!]
M To the woman who called about New York men being real men and Montreal men suffering from PETER PAN affliction. I find that a very grave mistake. But I am not going to criticize the lady for saying these things, because I respect women. I just want to say that within every man there is a small boy that needs to be loved and recognized and trusted, and within every woman there is a small girl. Let it be, and enjoy the boy in the man and the girl in the woman. [BLEEP!]
M To the girl talking about going to New York to find real men. You would have found real men in Montreal if you stopped hanging out in the Mile End and stopped going to afterparties at the Silver Door and whatever other place. The real men are at home resting and working REAL JOBS during the week. There’s no encouragement for real men in this city. [BLEEP!]
Jan 26. Rant Line
F Yo, I’m calling about the MONTREAL MEN Peter Pan shit. The top three differences between Montreal and New York men are: Number one, confidence. New York men will just approach you on the street and tell you that you’re beautiful. Montreal men cast FURTIVE GLANCES and hide until you approach them. Number two, work ethic. It’s super expensive to live in New York, so the men are dedicated, determined and at the top of their game in their field, which is sexy as hell. Montreal men live on EI, welfare and artists grants, paying the cheapest rent in the fuckin’ world, and as such have little ambition or drive. They are just trying to get by. Number three, there are more of them in New York. Here the ratio is like two to three women to every guy, so it’s slim fuckin’ pickins. Montreal has a MATRIARCHY and this is the price we’re paying for power. Single ladies are fighting over CRUMBS. There are some beautiful, hard-working men in this city, but they are definitely not the hipsters in THE Mile End or Plateau. They’re in RADICAL ASS places like St-Henri and NDG. And we gotta find a way to get them out on the scene and hook ’em up with some beautiful ladies. This shit has got to change. Peace out. [BLEEP!]
F New York men are not the centre of the universe, so why rant and make a flap about Montreal’s apparent overgrown juvenile clowns. The components are still the same—they still CHEAT, lie and scratch their butts in public. [BLEEP!]
F Hi, this is the person that called last week about the Montreal Peter Pans. First of all, I’d like to apologize if it sounded SEXIST because that wasn’t the intent. And second of all, I’d like to say that we all agree that there’s some good Montreal men—there’s nothing wrong with us all needing a little bit of NURTURING. However, there is some evidence that suggests that men in Quebec, compared to men in the U.S., Italy and English Canada, are less likely to do HOUSEWORK. They’re more likely to do HARD DRUGS, they’re less committed in relationships, they’re less likely to do well in high school. Which all suggests that maybe these aren’t the best men to be meeting. And as a single woman in Montreal, in the past couple of weeks alone I’ve dealt with a guy throwing a HISSY FIT and running out because I wasn’t interested in him, a guy sending drinks over through a female bartender and then having absolutely nothing to say to me, and another guy I texted telling him I was HORNY AS FUCK texted me back “LOL.” And there are countless other inappropriate stories from my friends that I can’t really say here. So what we are saying is that we are looking for respectful Montreal men who are mature, responsible, sexual and assertive. And if you can throw in an ounce of sweetness please give me your email address so I can make BABIES with you and spread the good GENES. Peace. [BLEEP!]
LADIEZ LADIEZ WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAA, seriously, MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS and “men are suuuuch pigs” discourse is probably why you’re not getting any, leave the artists’ grants alone! First, let me specify that I am a woman afflicted with Peter Pan Syndrome; I pay peanuts for rent, have no interest and/or need in pursuing a slow death-inducing office job, have recently rediscovered the joys of board games, claim to spend all the spare time that comes with having no office job “writing,” but really, I’m staring at my ceiling, chatting on FB and referring to Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert as “my boyfriends.” I hope my 14-year old teenager attitude towards “authority” never dies, because I like to think it gives me my “edge.” I also like quoting random words.
My initial reaction to reading these humourous Rant Line entries was an immense, delusional feeling of self-importance, like these ladies were my PEOPLE, my HENS, and we should gather together in a secret ANTI-PETER PAN SOCIETY and I could rule them, I would be their Over Lordess, and they’d bring me gifts, and we’d all wear SUITS, because we’re so much more mature than all da men, and we’d make HUGE BONFIRES with all the artists’ grants in the world, and we’d go on guerilla missions against all the LOSER PETER PAN “ARTISTS” (ECK! GET ‘DRIVE’ LIKE THE NYC MEN! GET A REAL JOB), we’d CASTRATE them! We’d gather at these PETER PANS’ shows/exhibits/performances and shout GET A JOB! GET A JOB! GET A JOB! They’d give me a cool Over Lordess nickname like Hot Mamma Panther, or She Who Will Not Be Named Who Loves Drive And Ambition, or Miss Money Pants, or Pay My Dinner Bitch. We’d go for STAKEOUTS and prey on all those MTL PETER PANS obsessed with giving FURTIVE GLANCES. We’d have a secret code word when one of these FURTIVE GLANCES NINNIES was spotted, we’d go up to him, grab him by the shoulders and yell in unison: “LOOK ME IN THE EYES! LOOK ME IN THE EYES! WHY DON’T YOU EVER DO THE HOUSEWORK! MEN FROM ITALY DO HOUSEWORK! I’M A WOMAN! LOOK ME IN THE EYES!” And then, he’d for sure fall in love with us! Because we are WOMEN, and we have DRIVE. But they probably wouldn’t understand what was going on, and that we had cornered him in yet another successful ANTI-PETER PAN SOCIETY SECRET GUERILLA MISSION, he wouldn’t understand, because he’d be so HIGH on HARD DRUGS. What a WANKER! We’d send group text messages that said “HORNY AS FUCK” to all the men in our contact lists because we are WOMEN, we’d laugh at all those stupid NINNIES who didn’t answer, because they’d be so SCARED of our POWER. We’d roam the streetz of NDG, where all the GOOD GUYS WITH DRIVE live, and ring at every door, DEMANDING MARRIAGE. If they refused, we’d EGG THEM and call them HOMOZ. OH man ladies, I am EXCITED, can you smell that? It smells like TRUE LOVE is coming our way…with REAL MEN who talk about FURNITURE and THE WEATHER and SPORTZ. Let’s meet at our secret headquarters, the underwear section of The Bay this weekend!
SIGNING OFF,
Captain Heartbreaker Hook
PS. I’m leaving Montreal in 2 months for 2 years. If and when I come back, I hope the Peter Pans won’t have grown up. J’vous aime, gang, don’t ever get serious.
PPS. Seriously ladiez, just have a cup of tea and masturbate…boring and stupid people are everywhere, you’re probably one of them too, men have a hard time meeting people as well (I’m SOOOO wise). Play a game of Scattergories with your besties and relax. Maybe you should try “Toronto,” dudes are totally “For Realz” there.
