By Jordache Kitty a.k.a Brad MacDonald
With a crowd of excitable sons and daughters in attendance, the 10th Annual Dad Circus took place last night in a Big Top Tent in the middle of our local speedway. Advertised as “Cirque de Soleil” only with more Dads, the circus is the world’s foremost entertainment operation focused only on the specialized talents of Dads. The night began with all Dad performers entering the circus riding bejewelled elephants set to the music of penultimate Dad band, AC/DC. Then, after a quick performance by the beautiful Dad Circus dancers, during which many Dads were seen giving each other nudges and gesturing towards their favourite dancer in the most good-natured, Dadly way possible, the real performances began.
Amid general cries of excitement from the crowd, athletic and youthful Dads wearing sequined bodysuits literally started dropping out of the sky into the arms of other Dads through the wonders of the trapeze. After their performance, these Dads told the children about physics, gravity and the importance of safety. Combining entertainment and Dadly wisdom is what this festival is all about.
Next up was the lion taming portion of the show. Without trepidation of any kind, stern authoritarian Dads holding chairs, tamed lions by uttering declarations like, “I’m not going to ask you again. Sit down in the corner,” and cool, devil-may-care Dads sat on their chairs backwards and took their own approach to these ferocious beasts: “Listen son, I know life gets crazy sometimes. Your mane becomes tangled and you just feel like you want to roar. I understand that and I don’t want to tell you how to live but you need to relax ok bud?”
While all of this was going on, children mingled on the outskirts of the Dad tent while eating Dad Dogs and frequenting the Dad advice booths in which the following tidbits of sage guidance were overheard: “Listen to your Mother,” “Don’t pick at that,” “Stop yer crying,” “Hold that football by the laces,” and “I thought you knew you were adopted.”
After the lion taming, we had several Dad-centric plays, one of which involved a Dad saving our beautiful dancer Siobhan from the perils of a flat tire. This particular scene also featured the best Dadly joke of the night when, after Siobhan kissed him at the play’s finale, the Dad protagonist blushed and said, “Don’t tell my wife” amidst roars of laughter. In the spirit of accurate reporting, I must relate two unfortunate incidences this play incited. The first involved Jerry, the 16 year old son of this particular Dad, who reacted to this joke by heckling, “Mom’s dead Dad. She died of a broken heart.” Secondly, Susan, a young activist whose Dad was part of the trapeze act, protested throughout the play, taking issue with its “sexist gender stereotypes” and “disturbing Dad caricatures.” Kids say the darndest things! Both Jerry and Susan were promptly removed by several of the security Dads.
As the final act of the night, a hilariously disgruntled Dad, Ed, came out before the crowd, put on some Lynyrd Skynyrd and quietly played snooker with his friend Earl for two and a half hours. Afterwards, he sat down in a rickety old chair and drank whisky to the point of intoxication while telling all of us what was wrong with politics and his son Jimmy. Just as he feel asleep, confetti fell down from the rafters. It was pure magic.
As if that wasn’t enough, the night culminated with recently deceased 92 year old Dad, George, being shot out of a cannon into the clear nightsky, to the surprise of his son and fellow Dad, Roger. In fact, to this reporter’s eyes, Roger gave a look that seemed to say, “Thank you Dad Circus for this wonderful and entirely unexpected moment of spontaneity and wonder.” (If anyone can locate Roger’s body, please call Dad Circuses Ltd. at 1-800-GO-DADLY.) In conclusion, a good time was had by all.