by Roxane Hudon
It’s been about a week and a half (or something) since the Chilean miners were gloriously rescued, emanating from the Earth with their dirty fists in the air, praising God, kissing their kin and eating empanadas. The whole world cheered and cried. “What a Miracle!” “Praise the Lord!” “Humanity is beautiful!” When I hear MIRACLE and RESCUE, I think CASH and PRODUCED BY JERRY BRUCKHEIMER. So, let’s make it happen. Here are my ideas for the film:
1) First of all, it’s gotta be in 3D. Imagine the rocks falling on the miners, hands reaching towards the audience. Or when the miners come out of the ground praising the Lord, it’s IN YOUR FACE. YOU ARE PART OF IT. Also, with all this talk of “hope” and “wow, this is amazing that they SURVIVED”, of course I agree with all of this, but a bunch of dudes hanging out in the dark for a couple of days CAN’T BE THAT EXCITING TO WATCH, amirite? So, we’re probably gonna have to add a couple of things to CAPTURE THE AUDIENCE. I’m thinking: bats, huge insects that come out of NOWHERE and maybe, just MAYBE (depending on how GUTSY we’re feeling) maybe some supernatural beings? Symbolizing the Devil? And, of course, all of this would work so much better in 3D. Also, Penelope Cruz’s and Salma Hayek’s tetas.
After a detailed research to find out EVERYTHING I COULD on all the miners (thank you CBC.CA), I’ve established which miners are the most interesting characters. A cast of 33 main actors…that just doesn’t happen…so love you Los Mineros, but some of you will only be extras that sometimes say “HOLA” and “SI”. Let’s go straight to the guy who ran underground. Edison Pena, he ran 10 km EVERY DAY. I’m thinking Gael Garcia Bernal, glistening half naked in fitness shorts, sweaty, saying things directly to the camera like: “Las Fitness is La Vida”. We can combine characters to make it easy for the audience as well. So let’s mix Mario Sepulveda Espina, the one who said “I was with God, and I was with the Devil. But God won, I held onto God’s hand, the best hand, and at no point in time..did I doubt that God wouldn’t get me out of there” (WE COULDN’T HAVE WRITTEN IT BETTER, BOYS…a thousand journalists worldwide just wet themselves right there…CHA CHING BOYS)….let’s mix him with Victor Zamora, the guy who writes poems exploring the themes of DESPAIR and HOPE. “Under the Earth there is a ray of light, my path, and faith is the last thing that is lost…I have been born again.” Only ONE MAN can utter these lines and THAT MAN is Antonio Banderas.
Fuckin’ ZORRO, GUYS. Imagine the tremor in his voice, the dark, passionate eyes, the DESPAIR, but at the same time, THE HOPE. I can hear the emotional music just rising up on the horizon and it’s beautiful baby. BEAUTY. HOPE. DESPAIR. Whose next? If we’re gonna have Gael, we gotta have Diego. Ever since Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, the American public has been DEMANDING more Diego Luna. So, let’s give them what they want!
Luna will play the youngest, 19-year old Jimmy Sanchez, but he’ll also be Ariel Ticona who watched the birth of his daughter via video and Claudio Yanez whose girlfriend proposed to him. He’s the young family man who loves his baby, kind of thing. But he’s also the guy making all the sex jokes. Understandably, his girlfriend will be PENELOPE CRUZ.
You following? Gotta keep it caliente. Moving on to the perv, Yonni Barrios, whose wife discovered he was having an affair. This is part of the dramatic suspense: who will show up? His wife? His mistress? Benicio Del Toro will be perfect for this, because he’s sexy, but also could look kind of perv-y, but in a socially acceptable way….
Latin “Comedian” George Lopez will play the unhealthy diabetic Jose Ojeda, who actually wants to eat ALL THE CANS OF TUNA. The mineros will start looking at him when they start thinking about CANNIBALISM. No one really likes him, mainly because of his jokes about the other miners’ wives. That’s not cool, pendejo. Edward James Olmos ( you didn’t think I’d forget him, did you!) will play the reverend who orders 33 bibles for our mineros.
He is constantly reminding the others about GOD and how GOD will save them, because, of course, this whole thing is just a GIGANTIC religious propaganda film, paid for by the Vatican, the Tea Party and Kanye West. Salma Hayek will play the most important miner’s wife, known as la Alcaldesa, the Mayoress at Camp Hope, keeping all the other wifes hopeful and organized.
She will wear an assortment of sexy, safari-type, cleavage-revealing outfits. LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, sexy Javier Bardem will play the leader of the gang, Luis Urzua, the foreman who rationed the food and kept everything in order. He is rugged, handsome and intelligent.
He will draw plenty of desperate American women to the cinema. He’ll also take the role of Victor Segovia who kept a journal. “I try to be strong, but when I sleep, I dream we are in an oven and when I wake, I find myself in eternal darkness. That wears you down.”
SO THERE IT IS MUCHACHOS, I hope the cheque is in the mail Hollywood, bring this baby home.