by Roxane Hudon
About two-three weeks ago (or something, I’m losing track of time in my old age), when all those big Wikileaks documents were released and the subsequent hoopla they created (Assange should be killed, Assange is a rapist, Assange hates democracy, Assange eats people), I thought: “Shit Damn! I gotta write about this!” But since I live a very glamorous life, I just haven’t had the time. Yes, I’ve been VERY busy, this has nothing to do with the fact that I recently won a big ass TV and I’ve been downloading all the blockbusters that I didn’t see this year to watch them in BIG. Nothing to do with that at all. Anyway, moving on, I decided that yes, I could write an inspiring essay on how the media is fucked, and the role of a citizen, and freedom of speech, mixing in all these ideas about journalism ethics and what I learnt in journalism school and the future of the world and so on. At this point, a lot of it has been said already, so let me just summarize by saying that Wikileaks is awesome. That being said, I’m going to create the plot for the inevitable Hollywood spy/conspiracy/ political thriller that will be the Wikileaks movie.
First off, I’m thinking mega-budget, advanced technology with a lot of fancy gadgets and a lot of fast-paced car/ helicopter chases. I’m thinking Enemy of the State, I’m thinking James Bond (the Sean Connery films, but with the gadgets from the newer films), I’m thinking Conspiracy Theory and maybe some Hunt for Red October, a dash of The Pelican Brief and any other film based on a Jim Clancy novel. I want Ridley Scott to direct, because it needs some kind of dramatic epic feel to it. “Today I saw a slave become more powerful than the Emperor of Rome!” kind of thing. “At my signal, UNLEASH HELL.” Julian Assange, as the modern gladiator. “What we do in life echoes in ETERNITY.” You get the flippin’ point. It’ll be chronological, starting with Assange as a nerd in small-town, Australia, growing into a sexy activist-type bound to change THE WORLD, if he can escape the mysterious cronies out to KILL HIM. The bad guys will be the heads of the most important countries in the world, that will, of course, all be turned into caricatures, the racial aspects will be exaggerated, ridiculous traditional costumes will be implemented depending on the country and so on, like all the best Bond supervillains in one movie. Let’s move on to casting and subsequent plot developments.
1)CAST AND PLOT DEVELOPMENTS
DISCLAIMER: All details of Assange’s life are stolen from Wikipedia. Whatevs.
First step, his mother. He was raised by a mother who married a theatre man and then a musician, which clearly means that she’s the free-spirited, bohemian kind of woman who probably told a young Julian to “follow his heart,” but also struggled financially, which means that poor little Julian grew up in poverty with an early aversion for big corporations and governments making his mother’s life difficult (This is probably not true, but HEY I’m trying to make a MOVIE here). So, his mother needs to be beautiful, but also STRONG and CHARISMATIC.
I present to you, Mrs. Christine Assange.
Julianne Moore is SEXY, but can also easily be the warm motherly type. I’m sure she can pull off an Australian accent. NO BIGGIE.
Next up, a teenage Assange. He started shit disturbing at 16, hacking under the name MENDAX. Him and some friends started a hacker group called The International Subversives. So, we need someone who could be a little geeky, but also kind of good-looking with a bit of a DARK side. I started my research by googling “young actors.” I thought of Jamie Bell, mainly because I thought he was my soulmate after seeing Billy Elliot in my youth (I’ve grown up now and totally don’t think he’s my soulmate anymore……). But then, I found the perfect choice.
DRACO MALFOY (who cares what his real name is). He looks like he could play the deranged hacker teenager, but we’ll make him wear flannel a lot, to reflect his kind of leftist anti-corporate views and tone down the “evil wizard” vibes.
MOVING ON, Assange then supposedly studied physics and mathematics, but never graduated and received passing grades only. This makes him sound like a turd, so lets switch that up a bit and make it so he was SUCH a genius that he was actually inventing all this crazy, groundbreaking Internet software, the RUBBERHOSE DENIABLE ENCRYPTION SYSTEM. All of this inventing took him away from his studies, until he meets a genius professor who says “fuck” and drinks a lot.
Of course, played by Philip Seymour Hoffman. “Do NOT make friends with the enemy,” he tells him. “The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what we share with someone else when we’re uncool,” he insists. He shows him that he must use his supernatural computer skills for the greater good.
But, who will play this GENIUS? This citizen’s hero? This diplomat’s worst nightmare? This cannibal terrorist?
Daniel Craig? He’s got that serious, spy, intelligent sex appeal.
But a little bit too stern, and way too hot.
Looks like Assange, but a bit too old. Also, looks a bit too nice, doesn’t have that Assange edge of calling a journalist a Tabloid Schmuck.
Then, of course, there’s STING
Rubber Duck Ducky, A physical match, but about 20 years too old. Maybe if we need a grandpa Assange when the Wikileaks man makes his inevitable escape to a cave and we fast forward to the future to see him STILL alive years later.
So, No, Fuck it, I’m going to settle on this man:
Ewan McGregor. He’s got the sex appeal, but also looks kind and intelligent.
One night, in late November, Wikileaks has just released the Big Kahuna. Assange is feeling good about things, he’s done it, he’s exposed the bad guys. He heads to the pub after posting the documents, orders a pint and awaits the storm. He orders another pint, and awaits the storm. A beautiful buxom blonde takes the seat next to him, looks at him seductively and does things like make knots with a cherry. Obviously:
They order drinks together. She tilts her head back, waving her hair around and casually placing her hand on his arm. They order more drinks. Cue music:
Things are getting hazy and moving quickly. They order more drinks. The newsman on the TV above the bar announces the big news: WIKILEAKS, BIG DOCUMENTS, US, SAUDI ARABIA, ASSANGE SHOULD BE ASSASSINATED.
He doesn’t hear a thing, but the blonde whispering in his ear. They order more drinks. She laughs. He stumbles to the bathroom.
She sees him disappear into the bathroom. She slips one drop, two drops, five drops, ten drops in his drink. She laughs, makes a phone call.
He comes back. They order more drinks. Her laugh turns into madness. The World spins.
Assange awakens in an empty hotel room. He opens the door to find a newspaper lying outside the room. The second article on the cover announces WIKILEAKS DOCUMENTS REVEAL WORLD IS PRETTY FUCKED, but the headline, in BIG BOLD LETTERS, screams ASSANGE WANTED FOR RAPE.
Suddenly, GUNSHOTS. He ducks. In a SURPRISING TWIST, his old genius professor who says “fuck” a lot, Philip Seymour Hoffman, comes running in. “COME, WE’RE GOING UNDERGROUND. You CANNOT make friends with the rock stars!”
TO BE CONTINUED.