A (kind of) 2010 Review
by Roxane Hudon
During the last fifteen minutes of 2009, a year that had been pretty horrible for me, I was walking dramatically in the snow. I had just fought with one of my best friends and maybe insulted his girlfriend and then stormed off dramatically. I may be prone to do that intoxicated…..you know, just sometimes, other times, I’m a REALLY good time. Anyway, a few phone calls convinced me to come back to the bar like a normal person and settle down. My friend and I still spent the first hours of 2010 sitting at opposite ends of the table from each other and we would go on to not speak to each other for another month or so. I even UNFRIENDED him from FB. It was all very dramatic and that, my friends, is how 2010 began.
Just like the first hours of 2010 were very glamorous, so was the entire following day, as proven by this legendary video:
Now, THAT’S a fascinating display of human behaviour and yes, gentlemen…oops and LADIES, we’re ALL single. Whoo!
So, yes, 2010 started with a fight and a day of eating donuts. Would this be reflective of the entire year? Maybe…
In no particular order, I’m gonna go ahead and name the events, from sad to funny, that shaped TWENTY-TEN..or the ones I can think of….and I’m not gonna double-check any facts. DEAL.
1) HAITI
A natural disaster that had everyone reacting, mainly because this happened to one of the poorest countries in the world. The media, once again, acted like deranged monkeys, running to the scene, all pining for the BEST TRAGIC PHOTO, seeking refuge in the SAFE ZONES and then scattering away when the dust settled. Millions were poured into the country, where is that money now? Guantanamera, Wyclef. Kudos to La Presse, although it’s probably not the only newspaper in the world (hopefully) that did so, for continually providing coverage on the situation there. Maybe I’m just being a bit YOUNG and NAIVE here, but seriously, where did 2103910231293012 million dollars go (amount to be verified)? Also, of course we didn’t really hear about this in our great CANADIAN media, but viva Cuba!
2) Beep Beep BP
Pictures of little birdies covered in black guck make me sad. Bon, c’est ça.
Y’a rien qu’on peut faire, my young puppets.
3)SPORTS
a) Olympics.
Yes, yes, I understand the VALUE of a good game…the importance of a GOOD athlete that TRAINS for months…..the Coca-Cola commercials about our countries unsung heroes and so on and so forth. But, the concept of the Olympics still blows my mind. And no, you poor fools, I’m not against the sports or the athletes, what a simple fucking argument, I’m against the fact that in a country where many people die on the streets, where First Nations people are still shacked up in reserves that often lack ressources like, you know, RUNNING WATER, in a country that supports war in various countries, yet we can’t get proper health services in our own, in this stupid country, we can afford to pour billions into this retarded tradition. If it was just about the sports, couldn’t they play hockey on a simple rink? Why do we need MASCOTS? What a weird pseudo-patriotic orgy. They have to socially cleanse an entire city to make place for this circus. Where were the Vancouver prostitutes and crack heads hiding? Of course, no one was wondering, because CANADA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD AND I HOPE WE WIN LA LUGE CONTEST and I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE NICKELBACK CLOSE THE SHOW. Sick.
b) World Cup
My favourite part of sports is when people yell. I don’t usually understand why, but I like the yelling. It’s delirious behaviour that I tend to approve of. But, seriously, soccer/football must be the most boring sport. A Game lasts two hours, they barely score more than two goals, the players look like models who PRETEND to be hurt. After it was all done, I hope you all woke up with a vuvuzela-induced migraine and the realization that the best thing to come out of the WORLD CUP was this:
BET YOU THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER HEAR IT AGAIN? MWAHSAHSAHSA
4) LOS MINEROS
33 Chileans stuck in a mine. GOD BLESS US ALL. I’m already bored, moving on.
5) sdhskfhskhfs volcano.
6) La COMMISSION BASTARACHE
This story plagued every local paper, but who really gave a shit? REally? there is CORRUPTION in the government? Non, mais serieux, what colour pen are you using Marc Bellemare? Such a stupid waste of time.
7) Celine Dion: plus de bebes!
Felicitations! Et maintenant…Deux grosses épaisses sur un sofa blanc..
fast-forward to 3:09 “penses-tu qu’on va avoir le temps de finir l’entrevue avant qu’ t’accouches?”
HAHAHAHAHA
NELSON…pour Nelson Mandela. N’importe quoi, tellement n’importe quoi.
BIENVENUE A EDDIE ET NELSON ANGELIL. ouark, j’ai fait un p’tit vomit dans ma bouche.
8 ) Speaking of…BABY BABY BABY
BIEBER BELIEBER, 2010, the year of MY WORLD 2.0
Seriously, It took me until this summer to finally find out who Justin Bieber was. But, who cares? People who criticize him need to get a life. He’s a 15-year old kid singing pop music for 12-year old kids. Can’t you spend your time doing something a bit more useful? Of course, it’s bad music! When I was 12, I dressed up like Baby Spice and danced around in my basement…..and LOOK AT ME NOW.
What an inspiring story. Can’t wait for his 3D biopic, something tells me I’ll be the one reviewing it.
9) Right-Wingies in da house
The Tea Party, Glenn Beck, No to Masturbation, Down with The Mosque, Burn the Qur’an, Follow Sarah Palin on Twitter, God Hates Fags and Rob Ford Loves Donuts. In 2011, let’s burn some bras and blow some shit up.
10) North Korea is still a threat.
…but Kim Jong-Il still likes looking at things…
Technically, I could stop there and it would be a lovely TOP TEN LIST, but then I wouldn’t be mentioning the first ever SUCCESSFUL face transplant:
Or, all the great 3D films I saw this year:
Or, you know, that thing WIKILEAKS, but at this point, it’s all been listed and described and analyzed, because, let’s face it, journalists are on holiday, getting fatter and lazier, and there must be NO NEWS happening ANYWHERE around the world, so let’s just fill this paper with TOP TEN lists.
I’ll just wrap it up with some great pop tracks that are here to remind us, that yes, the world is mad and we are indeed, pretty fucked, but that, at the end of the day, let’s just go to a club with all our good-looking friends and get sloshed. Viva 2010:
“Don’t be fancy, just get dance-y. Why so seriooooous”
“Let’s have a toast for the douchebags”
“Cheers to the freeeekin’ weekend”
“….T-SHIRT TIIIIIIME…THE CABS ARE HEEEERE”
Oh, and last but not least, the most uplifting video of the year:
….ENJOYING THE SHOW KEVIN COSTNER? Kill a Chechen! Sing a song!
Happy New Year!
You only have one more year to live! Imagine if we all lived 2011 as if it was our last year, then we’d all wake up on January 1st 2012, wondering who the hell is the person next to you, and why are you married, and who is that kid yelling in the living room and why are you living in a golden palace in the desert?
Carpe Diem, world!
