An Arse-warm Christmas with Blitzen: A Holiday Retrospective
by Brad MacDonald
FUCK YEAH. Today I ate twelve green icing topped Christmas tree cookies, drank a growler full of banana cream hot chocolate and passed out on top of my pile of newly acquired socks, underwear and vital toiletries (I know y’all are now picturing a massive tree made of toilets. Am I right? Checkmate.), including new Daily Face Wash from The Real Shaving Company which consists of a Professional Formula with Natural Lemongrass, containing “no parabens, SLS, or SLES.” Mom and Dad, I don’t know what any of that shit is but now I can finally start washing my face EVERY DAY. This is going to be sweet. No more bi-weekly face bathing. No more using water, table salt and an old, ragged loufa I bought at Zellers in 1991. NO MORE PARABENS DAWG! Fuck you parabens! Way to contain “parahydroxybenzoic acid” ya no good jack asses.
After I fell asleep on m’loot, Blitzen came to visit me in a dream.
I was all like, “Blitzen, why do you have a pentagram tattoo on your forehead?”
And he said “Well, move the letters of ‘Santa’ around and what do you get?”
Thinking quickly, I replied, “Tansa? It’s Tansa isn’t it? I once dated a girl named Tansa. I called her the Tansa-manian devil because she was extremely passionate and energetic whenever we…”
“Shut the fuck up idiot. You’re wrong.”
“Man, Blitzen you are so hardcore. Is that a second tattoo on your left deerleg? Sweet barbed wire TAT!”
“Yeah, I got that when I was high on mushrooms in Mexico. It reminds me of the most beautiful hallucinogenic trip of my life and the philosophical shit I thought about during that experience.”
“Blitzen, what did you contemplatively muse upon?”
“Oh, y’know, just life and shit. Like, seize your self-actualized, Ideal You to the fullest and climb every mountain like it’s your last opportunity to climb mountains for tomorrow ye shall die but your legend will live on forever in the hearts of children who are our future.”
“Wow, that’s deep. Is that an ancient Dutch proverb? Sounds like the title of an amazing self-help book.”
“No doubt, no doubt.”
“So, does Rudolph ever piss you off?”
“Fer shur man. He thinks he’s King Shit. Like just the other day, I was wasted and I started saying “awesome!” like this, “arse-warm!” cause the North Pole is cold as fuck. Some funny shit right?”
“Definitely.”
“Rudolph said it was stupid and I said ‘You don’t know shit’ and then he tried to singe my eyes with his fiery, red nose. Luckily I keep a mystical, Japanese Shonen Knife in a sheath just above my back right hoof. I pulled it out and said, ‘Dolph, take one step closer and I’ll shank ya. You wanna get shanked? Be a hero bro. Be a hero. Step off.’ And he got all quiet then mumbled, ‘I don’t want to play your motherfucking reindeer games punkass.’ That little bitch. The Big Blitz won that round.”
“Wow, I didn’t even know his nose could do that. Blitzen you’re…arse-warm!”
“Thanks man, I really appreciate that. You should probably wake up though because your Dad is calling you. He wants to finish your NHL 11 series on the Xbox 360. It’s game seven baby. Go for broke.”
“That sounds fun! But wait, why am I indulging myself like a seven year old? Aren’t I a fully grown adult male?”
“Not today buddy. Not today.”
And then, as quick as he appeared, he was gone. I came to and found myself covered in banana cream hot chocolate. Yet, I was suddenly overcome by a rush of pure yuletide joy when I realized that this was a perfect opportunity to clean myself off using my new Daily Face Wash. Best Christmas ever.
