Relationships Via Michael Cera

Relationships: A Love Letter to Michael Cera

By Roxane Hudon

Dear Michael Cera,
I’m 23-years old. I’ve been in relationships; some were good, some were bad, some were wonderful and some were horrible. I go out. I go out a lot. I meet people. I’m outgoing. I’m not shy to go up to strange men and buy them shots when they’re at the bar with their girlfriends and they accept the shot and then go back to their girlfriends and, maybe, I go vomit or something. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah,

Dear Michael Cera,
I’ve done the whole serious, mature relationship thing. I’ve done the whole drunken, sleepy one night stands. I’ve done the bizarre half-thing that often leads to the creation of exotic titles for people like Part-Time Lover Man or The-Guy-That-I Go-Out-With-and-Holds-Me-in-an-NSA-Way-but-You-Know,-No-Big-Deal,-I’m Totally-Cool-With-It-I-Barely-Have-Any-Emotions-At-All. At least I’m completely aware when I’m getting stomped on, right? Anyway, let’s not get emotional here, what I’m trying to say is…
Dear Michael Cera,
I’m a lover, not a hater. I know what I want. Don’t be frightened, I know these are scary qualities. Relax, have a seat. Take it easy. I can tell you’re getting agitated. No, I’m not mad. No, I don’t expect anything. I know, I know, I’m a woman who says what she thinks. Don’t fucking freak out, Michael Cera.
Dear Michael Cera,
I like humour. I dig it. I think we could get along. You have a house in LA. I have a room in (Little) Italy (,MTL,QC,CA). You have fame and fortune. I’ve got friends who know my last name and sometimes answer my calls. I’ll chill with Seth Rogen, I don’t mind. You could meet my cat. Her name is Troika. Sometimes she wakes me up by pawing my face. I know, how cute, right? Maybe she could put her paw in your face. We’ll see, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, we’re just going with the flow, right? I’m just saying…
Dear Michael Cera,
You look Jewish. Are you Jewish? Cera? Where is that from? I’ll go to synagogue with you. I’m down. I support my man. I’m that kind of woman. I’ll cook for you. You like Indian? But I expect the same from you. I ain’t no pushover. Did that last part scare you? No worries, we’ll figure it out. Calm down. I’ll go to your movie premieres, it’s cool. You can come to my Latest Episode of Jersey Shore Premieres in bed. I can lend you one of my holiday-themed pyjamas. My mom’s into it, okay? Don’t judge, Michael Cera.
Dear Michael Cera,
Let’s make this work. What’s the worst that can happen? I murder you in a crime of passion, because I’m a little bit crazy? Maybe, we’ll see, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, we’re just going with the flow. I’ll give you warmth and affection. It’s all good. No need to make it complicated. Don’t think about it, really. Love can be a winning game. Yeah, just be a winner Michael Cera. Must get lonely on those Hollywood hills. Just saying. So, there, my cards are on the table, Michael Cera. You free later? Working on a movie or something? Wanna grab a coffee? Or maybe a Late Night Drink? I’m open. I’m easy. It’s cool. Let me know, I’ll shave my legs. No no, don’t freak out, I don’t expect anything. I’ll be good, I’ll wait for the second date to put out, so I don’t look too eager or desperate. Okay, so good talking, Michael Cera….Call me…please.