by Brad MacDonald
Hello and welcome back to Oprah. I’m Oprah. Yeah, it’s pretty sweet. I’m so powerful, I’m more of an idea than a person. The very fact that my transcendent strength can be contained within human limbs is beyond the comprehension of mere mortals. I’m worth more than the earth. One of my associates tallied this up and I won by a few billion dollars. In fact, I just bought a planet. Saturn. I renamed it Steadman. Sometimes, I joke with Steadman that if he sasses me, I’ll send him there then I laugh but he doesn’t. I sometimes hear him crying when he’s in the shower. He’s so funny.
Anyway ladies, let’s move on shall we? Are you all happy to be here? (This comment is preceded by 14 minutes of raucous screaming and clapping – one over-zealous woman throws a chair which it caught by several other women and set on fire). Well alright, good to hear it. Before I move on to my guest, I want to direct your attention to the cover of the latest Oprah magazine. It features a picture of two Oprahs fighting playfully over an earlier edition of Oprah magazine which itself has a picture of me holding a book I just wrote about life entitled, “Life, Love, Laughter and Crow’s Feet: A Journey through my Karmic and Cosmic Soul”. The photoshoot for this month’s edition, which we titled “Two Oprahs: Harpo vs. Oprah” was one of the most profound and moving photoshoots of my life. I never met a more fierce competitor than when I fought against myself……and WON. I’m Oprah (pause for effect).
My guest today is Dirk Thud, author of a new best selling book about modern men called, “We’re Sex Hungry, Crazed Angry Dogmen. You Better Watch Yourself. Too Late, You’re Pregnant” Dirk, thanks for being here.
Thank you Oprah. It’s great to be here.
Dirk, tell us about the premise of your book.
Well, Oprah, the main premise of the book is that men are simple creatures who only want one thing: To have intercourse with a woman.
Hmmm, though I often present men as lying, cheating scoundrels who should seek forgiveness from their wronged wives, I can’t help but ask you, don’t you think there is more to men? Steadman and I have a mutual attraction, good lord that’s for sure, moy caliente to say the least, but he also enjoys my company and he likes talking to me about literature, politics and intellectual topics.
Oprah, I hate to break it to you but men are extremely unsophisticated and narrow minded. We are like irrational third graders who have learning disabilities and need daily doses of Ritalin. Third graders that just want to have intercourse with beautiful women. (Oprah looks confused) Let me try another metaphor. It’s like how a sheepdog only wants to herd sheep.
Well ok, but, given your argument, I think that a more useful analogy would be that a male sheepdog just wants to mate and procreate.
Sure, who wouldn’t want to have sex with sheep.
I don’t think that sheepdogs actually….
Anyway, let’s take Steadman for instance. You said that you and Steadman talk about ideas together right?
Well, I hate to break it to you but Steadman is faking it.
Hold on now. Men are silly animals that just want to drink beer while pursuing opportunities for sex. We can’t read. We can’t write. I had my book typed up by my assistant Sue but I can’t read the damn thing. I also tried to hit on Sue – she told me that she wants a man who is literate. Ooo, standards. Little does she know, such a man does not exist.
Well, the Steadman I know exists.
(A hushed pause from the audience)
Yes he does. It’s one of the things I love about him.
Well, perhaps Steadman is special.
He certainly is in bed. Moy caliente.
(The audience erupts into manic, grotesquely enthusiastic applause)
Oprah, Oprah, let me tell you about real men. If you play that three cup game that people do on the street, when there’s a ball or something under one cup, men will always lose. I have no idea what the Solar System refers to. Is that an energy drink? If you take something out of my line of vision, I immediately believe that it has disappeared. I once walked through a glass door because I didn’t understand it nor did I want to. Men don’t get it. Our only hobbies are punching stuff, having sex while punching stuff, and then talking to our buddies about how much stuff we can punch in a short, prescribed amount of time, then waiting for one of those buddies to get a stop watch so he can time us then…
Let me stop you right there, I think I see your perspective but I want to ask you a few questions. Do men understand the concept of gravity?
Absolutely not. When I walk along the sidewalk, I still find myself trying to jump to the top of large buildings and y’know, Oprah, I’m disappointed every time.
Fascinating. Tell me this, do men understand the concept of time?
God no. I have no idea how old I am and I consume breakfast foods at the most sporadic and unpredictable moments.
Wow. Wow. Wow. Oprah. So what you are saying is that any notion that the Modern Man is one who is looking for a woman with whom he can share his feelings, thoughts or aspirations, is entirely false?
(Dirk, due to his underdeveloped attention span, hasn’t been listening. He panics and tries to save face by punching his own shoulder as hard as he can.)
(30 seconds of silence follow)
Dirk, we’re out of time. Any final words?
Sex, punch, hit, beer, sheepdog.
Thanks so much. Although you are in no way qualified to discuss gender on a national forum and surely the majority of other men on the planet will be upset that you were given a voice, I admire the fact that you speak far too loudly at all times, express yourself in provocative sound bites, and that you use a lot of exclamation marks in your book, which, once again, is titled, “We’re Sex Hungry, Crazed Angry Dogmen. You Better Watch Yourself. Too Late, You’re Pregnant” Catchy. We’ll be back in a moment with an appearance from Ty from Extreme Home Makeover who recently helped build a home for a family whose children are eyeless and limbless and suffering from a rare disease which causes their ears to bleed continuously. Heartbreaking. I’ve seen this and I must say it’s amazing. Ty cries with his shirt off for pretty much the whole episode. So sexy. I think it’s important not to give money to many families in need but just to help one family in a very dramatic way that is geared for a television audience. Oprahrifftastic! We’ll be right back.