Popular Names From When You Were Young

by Keith Waterfield

Chad:  an athletic boy with an immature sense of humour. Chad wore khakis and golf shirts; he was slim but strong. He could hold you down with his forearm while kicking you. Chad had an earring, a gold hoop, and the girls thought he was cute. Chad was an idiot. He didn’t know how to read, this caused his anger toward those who could read. Chad couldn’t spell his own name. Chad used to mix his chocolate milk with his Snack Pack when he was a young kid; he denied this when he got older. Chad used to invite you to his birthday parties, back in the days when kids gave out party bags. The invites stopped when you couldn’t afford a pair of Nike’s.

Mike:  an athletic boy who was short and used a lot of gel. Mike had an irrational temper which he took out on other people who weren’t as strong as he was. Mike’s father was an alcoholic who used to beat him. Mike’s two front teeth were fake. He said it was because of hockey. Mike’s face turned red when he hit you. Mike wore khakis and skater shoes and golf shirts. Mike played golf. Mike dated all of the Ashley’s, Julie’s and Amanda’s. Mike demanded that you pick up his bat after gym class and bring it to him. You thought about slamming his head in with his own bat, you thought about the sound it would make, about the blood which would flow, the shock on his face…but instead you just brought him his bat and he yelled at you for leaving it on the ground in the first place.

Justin: a very intelligent boy who came from a well off family. Justin said he took your cousin’s virginity in seventh grade. Justin had a soft spot for the not-unpopular kids who also weren’t popular. He offered amenity to those who would not hang around the unpopular kids. Justin was the one who turned off the lights in the change room while Mike, Chad and Matt ran at you, pulled up your shirt, and punched you repeatedly in the back and the face. Justin would also hold you down and punch you in the stomach. Justin became a hippie later in life and apologized for all of his behavior.

Matt: a neighbourhood boy who beat you up at the bus stop. Matt would also invite you over to play video games and would talk about how his father was going to come for visit someday soon. Matt was a bit chubby and he wore a Calgary Flames baseball hat. His house smelled like cigarettes because his mother and grandmother smoked all of the time. Matt ate baloney on white every day.  When Matt started teasing Amy, the girl you liked, you pushed him onto the ground, sat on his stomach and punched him in the face until he started crying. Matt never hit you again.

Julie: there were many Julies, but this Julie was the self appointed Queen of the Bitches. Julie had brown hair and was taller than you. She was one of the smartest girls and used to date Justin, Mike and Chad. You couldn’t ask Julie out because it would become a story that everyone told to make fun of you. Julie called the bigger girls fat.  Julie was kind of chubby. Julie ran on the track team and developed breasts before anyone else. Julie drank vodka at school from her water bottle. Julie became a doctor.

Ashley: a tiny girl with curly blonde hair. Ashley seemed very sweet but actually she was just shy. She turned you down when you asked her to the dance, but she did agree to dance with you during one of the slow songs. Because you were so far apart you could tell she was uncomfortable and a little embarrassed. She smelled like strawberries and swore all of the time. Ashley smoked cigarettes which she stole from her mother.

Anne-Marie: a tall girl who was very sweet. Anne-Marie used to invite you to the popular parties and would talk on the phone with you for hours. You and Anne-Marie were each other’s first kiss when you were five. This took place behind a red shed during recess when you were reenacting the film My Girl. After a teacher caught you a rule was made that no children were allowed to play behind the shed. Anne-Marie gave you your first taste of alcohol at a Halloween party at her house. You two were the only ones dressed up, you as Ace Ventura and she as a cat. All of the other popular names wondered why you were there.