Canadian Politics: Or how we ate the Ostie.

Canadian Politics: Or How we ate the Ostie

by Roxane Hudon

I once dated a half-retard who said he was a PROUD CANADIAN. Yes, he saw me naked AND he cried about dead soldiers in Afghanistan. Double score, right? He defined Canadian Identity with Hockey, Beavers and Good Pot. Grrrreat. Really, we’re just a sham of a half-country. Nobody fought for “Canada”; England just kinda got bored of it and said “oh cheerio have it you polite and friendly folks.” And then they had some tea and invaded something more exotic like India or, I don’t know, Hong Kong. We had peaks of excitement, like that time a total drunk was running the country, or that time we stole all those Indian babies and told them to love Jesus, or how about that whole FRENCH thing? Oh, how cute, you guys think that you’re DISTINCT or something? You don’t feel affiliated to the YUKON? You don’t like Gold, or something? What about New-Brunswick? You French snub lobster dinners and jellyfish pebble beaches? Anyway, bygones, the point is Canadian politics are so boring that the media get all excited when some trash-bag named Julie Couillard wears a summer dress to the House of Commons and this becomes FRONT PAGE Canadian politics story on the mystery surrounding whether or not Stephen Harper ate the OSTIE in church. Pictures came out documenting the act with professionals analyzing his hand-to-mouth movement. DID HE OR DIDN’T HE?? What about Mulroney and that old German dirty bag?? Did he give him MONEY, in like the 1840s??? Tell me about it Globe and Mail! This is really important stuff?? How about we talk about how this is a country in DENIAL, filled with redneck racists. But with great landscaping! How about we talk about doctors driving taxis and Natives still living in pseudo-concentration camps. We need another Trudeau and Levesque. Jack Layton? Nice moustache, but ATM fees, really? Elizabeth whats-here-face drives a bicycle on the campaign trail! Great! Vote Green! More public transportation! How about we just kill all the baby boomers and have a Communist Revolution? Let’s STAND OUT for ONCE! So, wake up Canada and kill someone, because I’m bored out of my mind. Less “thank yous” and more rape and murder. Thank you.