Are You Lazy?

by Shawn Thompson

Enough. We’re all lazy. Cut the crap on “how busy you are” or “how there is not enough time to do everything you’d like to do” and blablabla… That just means you’re:

a) Totally unrealistic

b) an Overachiever (or totally unrealistic)

c) Scared of having nothing to do (or the guilt of an Overachiever)

Just look at your habits for a minute. When is the last time you used the lazy button to enter a building? Yes, you, lazyass, you preferred to press the handicapped automatic door button instead of using your own manual force to – sigh – open a door.  Yeah Right. It was to “save time” but come on, you know it takes much longer for this automatic door to open enough for you to pass. Precious seconds lost on your busy schedule, uh? And if you pushed that button for someone else to get in, well that just makes you a Lazy Gentleman.

And all of you textin’ maniacs, or facebook chatting fans, you’ll tell me you’ve never typed in “u” instead of “you” maybe? Or suddenly become Brooklyn street talkers and type “imma” “kinda” “getta”  “y’allz’ know wat im sayin’” ya know?

But don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there is nothing wrong with Lazy English or you’re Lazy eye acting up after a drink too much, just be assertive about it all, Lazyness is so underrated.

But there are Lazy habits that annoy us for some reasons, little things that really get at us. For example, we all like to hate on the lazylators, people who get in the elevator FOR JUST ONE FLOOR and we love to let them know in a very subtle manner, like SIGHING very loudly and roll our eyes and shook our heads at this highly unacceptable thing to do. But you? Do you always take the stairs for one floor? Right, as if I’ve never eaten in a dirty dish because I didn’t feel like washing it, uh? Another upsetting lazy behavior is the lazycake. That refers to the pile of snow left on the roof of a car when someone was too lazy to take it off and preferred to rely on the wind created by the speed of the drive to brush the snow off. Beware if you’re following this car because you might run over something like, say a child, because you couldn’t see anything. And if you felt a bump, and didn’t mind pulling over to make sure it wasn’t anything important, well you’re a laziminal, or lazy criminal if you were too lazy too figure that one out.

But I think the all-time favorite is definitely the Lazycapped also known as Lazy Fatty. Seeing one of these will surely make you laugh, make you mean and make you feel good about yourself for a minute or two – because you’re too lazy to generate self-criticism anyway. These lazycapped are usually obese people that chose to go about in electric scooter cart chair thing rather than walk with their own legs. It applies only to people that are not actually handicapped. Some are pretty fancy with like a sunroof and shit.

And some people have capitalized on the lazies, manufacturing by the million shit like: the Lazy Boy. Yeah, for all lazytards out there you can just sit back and relax, have a beer watch the game, you know how it goes. You can even ask to get it lazypimped and get the remote pouch and the cup holder ALL molded from the same piece of great lazydesign! Yes, Your sorry lazy ass will never want to get up again, and walk, and move and ahh.. I’m already tired.

But reclining is not only to enjoy your favourite TV game show, it can be for sex too! REAL sex, ok? With physical people ok? Touching each other, like in reality… you understand me? Good. Lazy boner, that’s like halfway there, get it buddy?

And you, lazybians, yes you, heterosexual females that secretly gets off watching the L-Word, which you have seen in its entirety, that are too scared to explore your true sexuality, but comes off as an expert in lesbian affairs. In the meantime, you date very feminine guys and try to be friend with all the gay guys you meet. Lazy!

To explain the history of lazyness some have looked into the evolution of humankind and said: “Lazyland IS the cradle of humanity! Look at all those primitives in Africa, they just fuck all day and spread AIDS. It’s like, that country (Africa) doesn’t even have money or watches. They’re so lazy that they haven’t even figured out yet how to have running water and building REAL houses, not fucking huts and shit”. Yes, those assholes even named this The Lazy Ape Theory which is clearly the product of some stupidass motherfuckin’ ignorant lamefuck redneck from some shithole city called Racist Haven or maybe Paris.

The point is, IT’S OK to take it easy, and do “nothing.”  Lazyness is a pure creation, it’s a mere concept designed to make you “productive” and “efficient” for society. Ok? Now go back to facebooking and checking your email for the twelfth time in the last 15 minutes, you know, being “productive”!