Sportz Report (GAY)

Sportz Report

by Roxane Hudon

In Concordia Journalism, there is this thin upper crust of intellectual elites that aim to be the greatest, biggest, quickest sports journalists. Yes, Sports Journalists; people do study to BECOME that and don’t only fall into it after a severe hip injury or something of the sorts. You know, spend your whole life talking about balls, men running after them and so on. And then you go home, have a beer, watch the game and feel fulfilled about life. Because yes, there might be things going on elsewhere. War, maybe. Diseases. World water supplies running out. Little Black babies with flies on them. But you’re where it counts, keeping the score, watching the ball. In today’s news, lets talk about everything that counts: national politics, international politics, weather and, finally, some relief! The latest sports scores! Why? Aren’t there channels for that crap? I guess I can understand the entertainment value of a “good game”, right? But, NEWS, really? Anything overly masculine is also borderline gay. Men running around in tight, multi-coloured pants, hollering at each other in deep voices, throwing each other on the floor, chasing balls. Other men watching all the action unfurl, breathless in anticipation. The face paint. The loud pop songs. The ass taps. How they all jump on top of one another at the end of the game. Very very Homo-Erotic. And then guys do that thing where they say “bro” or “dude” to each other a lot, you know, to assert their heterosexual, very masculine, platonic friendship. “Hey Bro, dude, wanna watch other men play with each other?” I love a man like the next straight gurl, right? But, it just clicked. Why I’ve been spending my nights with my cat, because the ones who don’t say “Dude” and “bro” and grab their balls, down a “brewski” and watch the game, well, guess what, they’re GAY. Maybe I should get into female rugby or something.