We just received a letter from an angry rapture believer. Supposedly he or she is satisfied enough to send US the letter … Ballz = All Powerful One? … Well, ummm … whatever works for you, I guess?
Dear All powerful one,
What the fuck? May 21st 2011 was supposed to be rapture time and for 31 long unbearable years I acted all Christ like in order to be raptured up out of my store bought Old Navy clothes and get the joy of watching everyone suffer 5 months of hell. Of course getting joy out of watching people suffer is not very Christ like, but I have never been one to question the good book…until now.
I mean I tried to act like the good book instructed me to. I vowed not to have sex before marriage, even though all the ladies be impressing at my pie eating skills and knowledge of all things Texas Ranger, god I loved that show. I also voted Conservative for each election because we all know you hate them liberals with their thinking and evolution and what not. I even wore magic Mormon underwear and was kosher, just to be safe, and so many times I just wanted me a pepperoni pizza.
And then the day comes. I get my rapture clothes on…even though they would not matter when I be raptured and all. Put a sign on my lawn saying so long suckers, filled my living room with dog food so my dog don’t starve when I be leaving, took my passport with me …to be on the safe side, and sat down in my kitchen waiting and listening to country music. And then nothing…you know what Mr. All-Mighty you ain’t nothin but a rapture tease. So fuck you and your slacker son. I am out of this whole one god thing and going pagan, at least they got more choice, like maybe I’ll pray to Zeus in May and Hades in June…you know just to spice it up a bit.
Your Momma (even though you aint got no mamma…)
PS: Since Jesus is your son but also you, being part of that holy trinity thing…then is the Virgin Mary your Momma? Just curious, since if so that is some weird family dynamics you got going there.