A mash-up for you by Katie Heffring
An IMPORTANT REAL news broadcast interruption from Donald Trump (aka “An almost expelled” second grader; aka President of the “MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN”)
[Screen turns a dark blue. The following words are written on your television screen.]
ROBOTIC WOMAN’S VOICE: “Your program will now be interrupted by the President of the United States…the Peoples’ President.”
[Scene fades, and you now see Trump sitting at in desk in the Oval Office. He is “reading” from a teleprompter.]
DONALD TRUMP: “FAKE NEWS media knowingly doesn’t tell the truth. A great danger to our country. The failing NY Times has become a joke. Likewise CNN. Sad! NBC is weak, and like everybody else is trying to be politically correct—that is why our country is in serious trouble. The FAKE NEWS media (failing NY Times, NBC News, ABC, CBS, CNN) is not my enemy, it is the enemy of the American People!
“This very expensive GLOBAL WARMING bullshit has got to stop. Our planet is freezing, record low temps, and our GW scientists are stuck in ice. The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive. By the way, I have great respect for China. I have many Chinese friends. They live in my buildings all over the place.
“Let me tell you, I’m a really smart guy. Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest—and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault. When I think I’m right, nothing bothers me. You know, it really doesn`t matter what [the media] write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.
“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich. I made a lot of money and I made it too easily, to the point of boredom. The point is, you can never be too greedy. My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth. My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body. I had some beautiful pictures taken in which I had a big smile on my face. I looked happy, I looked content, I looked like a very nice person, which in theory I am.
“I love beautiful women, and beautiful women love me. It has to be both ways. Number one, I have great respect for women. I was the one that really broke the glass ceiling on behalf of women, more than anybody in the construction industry.
“I am the least racist person there is. And I think most people that know me would tell you that. I am the least racist. I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks. I have a great relationship with the Mexican people.
“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bring crime. They’re rapists… And some, I assume, are good people. I will build a great wall—and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me—and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.
“I am reading that the great border WALL will cost more than the government originally thought, but I have not gotten involved in the…..
“Here’s the bottom line. We’ve got to keep our country safe. You look at what’s happening. We’ve got to keep our country safe. You look at what’s happening in Germany, you look at what’s happening last night in Sweden. Sweden, who would believe this. Sweden. They took in large numbers [of refugees from Muslim-majority countries]. They’re having problems like they never thought possible. You look at what’s happening in Brussels. You look at what’s happening all over the world. Take a look at Nice. Take a look at Paris. We’ve allowed thousands and thousands of people into our country and there was no way to vet those people. There was no documentation. There was no nothing. So we’re going to keep our country safe.
“By the way…
“You may get AIDS by kissing.”
[Screen fades out]
While not writing articles for Ballz, Katie is either freelance editing (email@example.com) or imagining the future.