Fifty Shades Freed: Freed from Fifty Shades

I am not a quitter, especially when it comes to completing absolutely useless tasks. Thus, I simply can’t ignore the end of a terrible trilogy revolving around pinching bums: Fifty Shades Freed, the final installment of a naughty franchise that includes Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker.

Unfortunately, this film can’t even be bothered with itself and only deserves these notes, lazily scribbled by a 31-year old woman drunk on half a bottle of wine. Good night, Fifty Shades, sweet dreams you piece of shit.

Whispered vows

Slow dance to a pop song that’s much too quick for a slow dance

Short wedding


“We own this” – plane

Fly to Paris

Quick sex

Sexy lathering


Braids her hair

Yacht sex

Top of pubes

Red-faced, why so red-faced?


Servers hijacked


Helicopters sabotaged

Sawyer and Prescott – security people, Sawyer and Prescott

“How would you like to run the house?” – slave woman

Fighting back, not changing name

Driving car

Giant house – he buys it

Architect: “I love what you’re doing in Africa”

“Oh, thanks”

Dated house

She sits on the plans

Speeding = horny

“We’re in a parking lot”

She cuts his hair and it’s sexy

She finds a gun

Personal bodyguard

It happened so fast – wedding

6 missed calls because she’s having dinner

Stalker guy with a knife

How did he get in?

He’s so pissed that he drinks booze in a tux, while watching her sleep

He says no to sex

But then takes her to the “red room”

“I’m gonna drive you wild”

Rubs her with a vibrator

Gives her a lesson by teasing her

Vendetta by vibrator

He dreamt she was dead

“I’m taking you away for the weekend to Aspen”

So stressful

He brought her pals, yay!

“Maybe I’m Amazed” sung by Christian Grey

“I was looking for you” but he’s looking in the fridge

Rubs ice cream on him

Ice cream fellatio

Tucked-in peen like a drag queen – where is it? 

Ice cream on feet

Elliot – mysterious

“Just don’t bend over”

“Did you just roll your eyes at me?”

Big metal balls

Puking – pregnant

“I wanted to give you the world”

“We’ll figure it out”

Christian Grey…drunk, cross-eyed?

“You’ll choose him over me”

“He might be a she”

“Oh Jesus”

She sleeps in red room, because he saw Elena (old lady who taught him to spank)

“Babies happen when you have sex and we tend to do a lot of that”

Kidnaps Mia

“You were smart enough to get my job” – Jack

Jack kidnaps Mia

Just went to the bank for $5 million, no biggie

“Is this about this morning?”

Slapping her, thanks for fucking up my life

Blood on lips…to bruises all over face?


Can you spank a pregnant woman?


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