I am not a quitter, especially when it comes to completing absolutely useless tasks. Thus, I simply can’t ignore the end of a terrible trilogy revolving around pinching bums: Fifty Shades Freed, the final installment of a naughty franchise that includes Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker.
Unfortunately, this film can’t even be bothered with itself and only deserves these notes, lazily scribbled by a 31-year old woman drunk on half a bottle of wine. Good night, Fifty Shades, sweet dreams you piece of shit.
Slow dance to a pop song that’s much too quick for a slow dance
“We own this” – plane
Fly to Paris
Braids her hair
Top of pubes
Red-faced, why so red-faced?
Sawyer and Prescott – security people, Sawyer and Prescott
“How would you like to run the house?” – slave woman
Fighting back, not changing name
Giant house – he buys it
Architect: “I love what you’re doing in Africa”
She sits on the plans
Speeding = horny
“We’re in a parking lot”
She cuts his hair and it’s sexy
She finds a gun
It happened so fast – wedding
6 missed calls because she’s having dinner
Stalker guy with a knife
How did he get in?
He’s so pissed that he drinks booze in a tux, while watching her sleep
He says no to sex
But then takes her to the “red room”
“I’m gonna drive you wild”
Rubs her with a vibrator
Gives her a lesson by teasing her
Vendetta by vibrator
He dreamt she was dead
“I’m taking you away for the weekend to Aspen”
He brought her pals, yay!
“Maybe I’m Amazed” sung by Christian Grey
“I was looking for you” but he’s looking in the fridge
Rubs ice cream on him
Ice cream fellatio
Tucked-in peen like a drag queen – where is it?
Ice cream on feet
Elliot – mysterious
“Just don’t bend over”
“Did you just roll your eyes at me?”
Big metal balls
Puking – pregnant
“I wanted to give you the world”
“We’ll figure it out”
Christian Grey…drunk, cross-eyed?
“You’ll choose him over me”
“He might be a she”
She sleeps in red room, because he saw Elena (old lady who taught him to spank)
“Babies happen when you have sex and we tend to do a lot of that”
“You were smart enough to get my job” – Jack
Jack kidnaps Mia
Just went to the bank for $5 million, no biggie
“Is this about this morning?”
Slapping her, thanks for fucking up my life
Blood on lips…to bruises all over face?
Can you spank a pregnant woman?